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i feel nothing

Sometimes Even with the meds You hit a breaking point And I seek the one person To which I can vent Without judgment (fuck that, there's supposed to be an "e" there: judgement)

And when the depression hits hard, there's nothing those antidepressants can do.

So I feel like shit I feel unloved I feel nothing I feel angry I feel frustrated and upset I cry

I sit in darkness and thing of nothing. I dwell on the stuff that makes me feel like I'm worthless to find that it can't hold me down. I feel loved again, for a moment. I vent out the anger, the frustration. It all seems stupid to feel this way.

But I have chronic depression and it happens. I want to feel loved.

And I will, but it'll take time and then we can dwell on why I'm still single. Why no one follows or subscribes or shares or comments or joins a game or does anything with things I create.

Grateful for the few. But it feels like going through the motions with no follow-up. The unloved part.

Ask and not receiving. Giving and no acknowledgment. Hurts.

Cuts deep, the wounds never really heal. They scab over, but they're easily cut open again. And I'm tough, mentally, and physically. Strong in many ways. Kind. Loving.

But sometimes, the brain says I'm nothing and I believe. For a moment. Hours. Days. Minutes. Comfort can be both helpful and not. I just need to be an adult sometimes.

Sometimes I just need a hello that isn't initiated because you have a question or need something of me. I just don't want to be the constant initiator. Maybe I just want to have a game or talk about nonsense. Or know that someone watched me today.

It's not quarantine. This is my normal that I fight with meds. But, I've been shit at taking my meds lately. So this is where I am. The catch before the spiral into the abyss.

Caught between what I know is that I am loved. And wanted. And the horrible darkness that wants me to think it's fabricated. Everything hurts emotionally.

I know I'm loved, don't need to hear it. Don't need to read it. Not sure what I want, actually. Actions, I guess.

Thanks for reading.

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